my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Randomize
