3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Is it because I queefed?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
