When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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