i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
