I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize