my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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