drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
