So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
