my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
