How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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