John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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