a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
