I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
