Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
