never play flip cup with pint glasses
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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