I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
