What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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