Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
