Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
