Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
