she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
