I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
