just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
