it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
