I didn't shave. On purpose
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
