guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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