i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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