omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
