Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Your penis caused this!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
