I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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