Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
