all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
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u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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