I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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