she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
