she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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