Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
