mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
