I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
