I am midnight drunk by noon
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
