I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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