Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize