One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
