So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
