So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
