Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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