I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
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Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
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bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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