Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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