The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
