I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
