Don't you send me to vm
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
