i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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