I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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