I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
