9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
She told me I should be a condom model.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
