Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
