You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
