is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
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So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
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He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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