It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
